The endless beauty of nature and the anticipation of the Wine Country made me think of a few great wine songs, in particular “Two More Bottles of Wine” by Emmylou Harris, “Dust on the Bottle” by David Lee Murphy and “Good With Wine” by Eric Paslay. Then I couldn’t get UB40s “Red, Red Wine” out of my head.

As I write this blog, I realize that I tend to pair places with songs. Places remind me of songs and vice versa. Every place has a particular energy that pairs beautifully with a song, kind of like perfect pairings for wine, which is probably the reason for so many varieties.

As we were enjoying a lovely drive, we pulled into the driveway of For Friends Inn, which is our destination for the weekend. The wrap around porch with oversized rocking chairs lined up perfectly so they were all in sight at the right angle. The garden and the potted hanging plants looked cared for. The driveway ended with a two-story cottage at the end and a lovely tiny cottage on the right. There was a path with a few steps below the two cottages which led to a grassy area with tables and chairs and a wooden deck with built in seats. Below the wooden deck was another sitting area with a gazebo.

Inside the main building, there is an oversized fireplace and plenty of seating including two large rectangular dining tables. The walls are decorated tastefully by art from local artists. Every detail was carefully and lovingly tended to, making the Inn splendidly charming. Coffee mugs and wine glasses were arranged carefully displaying the Inn’s logo. The floral candle scent filled the room and added warmth to the welcoming ambiance.

For Friends Inn is located in the main hub of Santa Ynez surrounded by restaurants, boutiques, a charming library and museum and an old fashion Saloon. Of course, you can’t be in the wine country and not see wineries offering a taste of their pride and passion.

So, what makes For Friends Inn extraordinary? I believe what makes this Inn special is what makes any business extra special; it’s the love and passion behind the business taking it from any other location to a special destination. The Inn definitely has a heart and you feel it and sense it from the moment you pull into the driveway. The owners, Dave and Katie have poured their heart and soul into their Inn, giving it charm and warmth.

Every afternoon, the Staff sets up a fabulous “happy hour” selection of nuts, fruit and cheeses with the perfect wine pairing allowing guests to taste some local wines and relax in the garden while listening to Dave singing and playing his guitar. As I sat there admiring the details from

the sparkle of the candles decorating each table to the baskets of rolled blankets (in case it gets chilly – I tell you, every detail is thought of) to the hung lights above, I can’t help but fall in love with the charm of the Wine Country.

So, if you need a break from your ordinary routine and usual destinations, vacations and staycations; if you want to experience the simplicity of the extraordinary, you need to plan a road trip to the Charm Country and let every fiber of your being experience elevation to a higher level of satisfaction for all your senses.

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There is a great article/episode that my friend Marie West (the absolute best Kindergarten teacher your child could have) sent me a while back. This particular episode of “Hidden Brain” talks about how American masculinity is creating lonely men.

Here is a link to the page if you like to read the full article:

For a moment think of all the support systems and resources available to women empowerment Traditionally, men have been raised (most likely by a woman) to hide their emotions and be tough. As a society, we have not done a good job in helping boys identify feelings and learn to manage and process them. It is more common (and acceptable) for girls to express feeling and start a sentence by “I feel”. Additionally, making fun of boys/men is more acceptable than making fun of girls/women. Reports of boys/men (if they get to report it) complaining of being made fun of, usually takes less seriously than those of girls/women. Furthermore, making fun of a man’s career choice in a woman-dominated field (think nursing) has become acceptable while any attempt to make fun or question a woman’s place in a what has been known as men’s world can be a punishable crime.

In looking at the statistics of perpetrators of criminal activities, in particular, mass shooting in the past few decades, numbers show that we need to pay more attention to what the Hidden Brain refers to as the “Lonely American Men”. According to Statista (an online portal for statistics) between 1982 and 2018, 103 mass shooters were male compared to 3 initiated by female shooters. The study goes further into gender and identifies 60% of the male shooters as White.

Perhaps it is time that we join forces and begin a movement to “empower all”, boys and girls. A healthy society needs happy and healthy men and women. Much education and awareness need to begin in our homes and schools. We can’t wait for a miracle or a magic pill to fix this problem that affects all of us. This movement begins with each of us individually taking the initiative to contribute to a healthier community. It is about how we manage and process emotions. Here are some easy steps/actions each of us can take in contributing to a healthier society:

1. Model healthy behavior by acknowledging your emotions without labeling them.There is no good or bad emotion, they are just emotions and they each serve a purpose and have a duration. Feel your feelings and observe them, don’t become them. Instead of saying I am sad, disappointed, mad, try I feel sad, disappointed, mad, do you hear the difference? The first statement is a self being absorbed in the feeling and the second is a one that is observing the feeling.
2. Identify your own gender related biases. Think about your earliest experiences of understanding gender norms. Think about your male and female role models and your male and female non role models. List the qualities of each person:
   • Male role model I admire is:
   • I admire him because he is:
   • Female role model I admire is:
   • I admire her because she is:
   • Male non role model for me is:
   • His qualities I dislike:
   • Female non role model for me is:
   • Her qualities I dislike:
3. Understand that you make choices in becoming the kind of role model you want to be. Having identified the qualities that make a good/positive role model, think of how you practice those behaviors.
4. Equally important is understanding the negative traits/qualities you identified and create awareness leading to positive replacement. This needs to be practiced to become a habit that’s carried out automatically.
5. Understand that the best way you can contribute to a healthier society is by being a healthy member of the society. The goodness you display will make the environments you are part of, healthier and happier places without any spoken words.

Do you want to join millions of men and women empowering all and work toward a healthier and happier world for all of us? Be a happy and healthy individual, identify your prejudices and work through them. Seek to understand why they exist and gently process them and file them away. Rather than pressing Replay on your memory box, push Delete and free yourself of limiting beliefs that cloud your perspective of genders.

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Perhaps the most powerful lesson was learning about myself: my fears, limitations, dreams, strengths, passions and my values. In Farsi we have a saying and the translation is “to know God, you must know yourself”; I have always found this to be true and have spent all my life getting to know myself. As I’m getting older, I find myself honoring who I am becoming, weaknesses, limitations, fears and all.

I have always been extremely fortunate to have found the right fits for me. One of the best decisions I made was to visit Canisius College one summer afternoon, not specifically looking at any particular program. I asked direction from someone I didn’t know at the time, was going to become one of my most influential mentors. She guided me in the direction I was headed and handed me a brochure about a masters program I had never heard, which I took home and didn’t look at until later that evening.

I realize something now as I’m writing this, Dr. Margaret McCarthy didn’t have to sell me the Higher Education and Student Affairs Graduate program, she, being her kind, humble and gentle self, created a safe environment for me and put me at ease as I was faced to make a big decision.

My Canisius Chapter and the people I crossed path with while I was there have so much to do with who I am today.

Of course, I wouldn’t have known Canisius if it wasn’t for Dr. McCarthy. She was and continues to be a great source of strength and the best mentor I could have ever asked for. She is respectful, non-judgemental, always available, extremely kind and always made me feel like I belonged. I met so many wonderful individuals at Canisius, and the late Father Flanagan was among them. Father Flanagan was my Thesis Advisor and he had his work cut out for him. While I have always had a passion for writing, English is my second language, and I can only imagine how much extra work my writings must have been for him. He always reminded me of my “love” for commas, which I have been reminded about by others including Dr. McCarthy.

Working in Residence Life, I had the opportunity to learn about the field of Student Affairs from the best and most caring professionals, Kathryn Philliben, Dr. Thomas Miller, Matt Mulville, Al Pilato and of course my very first Residence Life Staff, Sara, Lenny, A.J., Dawn and Maria who were the hardest working team of Resident Advisors one could ask for.

I had the pleasure of living in and managing the Village Townhouses and that’s where I learned the most about my leadership skills. I started to practice what I was learning in my classes in the field, on campus, and in my residence halls.

I am very grateful for my education at Canisius College and for being selected among the Distinguished Alumni and be part of Canisius Proud Campaign. At Canisius “You Can” dream big and find the right level of support to turn your dreams into beautiful realities while serving others and make the World a better place.

Thank you Canisius College!

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They were/are the grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles who took care of us.

I have a prayer that I began to do at a very young age, it started with praying that I never lose my grandparents. As my grandparents passed away, I kept them in my prayers, remembering them and finding peace in my gratitude for having them in my life for as long as I did. I named them “remembrance prayers”.

I felt the biggest loss when my strongest pillar came crashing down after my Mother passed away. Something in my energy shifted when I lost her. She was my protection, my navigation, my mentor and teacher and I suddenly found myself being on my own. Since then I have felt that I need to make good decisions, use good judgment, try to do what she would have done in any particular situation.

From that point, my remembrance prayers only got longer as I lost more family members. I imagine these losses leaving tiny tears in our heart and each loss and painful experience will continue to leave its mark on our heart, till it makes a forever tear causing this delicate organ to stop working.

May we always have the ability to give and receive love unconditionally and endlessly, keeping our heart strong regardless of the pain it feels as we lose those who are dear to us.

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While living in civilized times are far from hunting and bartering, we still need help and support from many individuals though they may not be in our trip. Chances are that you or someone you know has or is seeing a therapist, counselor or life coach and not to forget that as civilized citizens, we need legal counsel to represent us and help us understand the terminology that was designed to create complexity. So, we can all agree that living in modern days has become very complicated. Even though our lives are more complicated, one thing remains the same; we need our village.

There is so much research proving that having a village (support system) helps get us through challenging times. I remember reading an article published by the University at Buffalo School of Social Work on the importance of developing a support system. According to the article “those with robust social support networks have better health, longer lives, and report higher well-being. Friends and loved ones can make you more resilient in times of stress, setback, or loss and they can also make the good times even better.” The article further explains that those close to us can recognize that we are stressed, sometimes even before we care to admit it.

Here is a link to the full article: http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/additional-self-care-resources/developing-your-support-system.html#title_1

Happy Friends making!!!

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“Have you checked the error message to see what the printer needs?”

“No”

I walked over and peeked at the little display window and it said to turn the printer off and on again.

“Clever,” I said to my husband, “this smart machine is tired and is asking to be turned off and on again”  As I said that I realize something.

What if we (humans) had a display window reminding us and those around us that it’s time for a break or that we need to turn off and recharge? What if our internal battery displayed charge level with red showing as the level was getting too low? Wouldn’t that be cool?

I like to suggest that we install our own internal display and check/scan for how we are doing. Her is how that would look:

• Morning: assuming you had a good and restful night = energy level=100%
• Short meditation/yoga, setting our intention and shower and a good nutritious breakfast = energy level = still at a full 100% Mid-morning scan – energy level =80% (recharge: healthy snack, water, a quick walk around the office)
• Lunchtime scan – energy level = 55% (recharge: healthy/light lunch followed by a quick walk outside to get fresh air or walk around the office, taking the stairs if you have them, read an inspiring quote, take a few nice and slow breaths)
• After a long meeting midafternoon meeting – energy level =50% (recharge: quick snack fruit/nuts/vegetables)

You get the point ? If we pay attention to our internal display and fuel and recharge our battery when it starts going down, we will be able to maintain a healthy daily number.

How will you recharge your battery?

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“Why can’t she/he just get over it”

“He/she should be stronger”

“It’s not that big of a deal”

I can’t tell you how much it hurts me to hear those phrases. Feelings are not light switches that are easily turned on and off. Though for some people they are easier to navigate, for a lot of people, feelings have their own time frame.

Think of feelings as tunnels we pass through. Some people race through them focusing on the light at the end (Runners) while others walk it with a friend or a group of friends and let the distractions of conversations move them to the end (Walkers).

There is however another group, a highly sensitive group who walk the tunnel and sometimes crawl it while carrying bags of unresolved issues carried form other tunnels of feelings (Carriers).

I want you to put yourself in the shoes of Carrier and imagine being weighed down by heavy backpacks, watching people run or walk by, some with a friend or a group of friends.

Try to feel how they would feel by comments like: “Just get up and walk or why are you so slow”

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So, as I was beginning to stress about things not going according to plan, I took a minute to pause, reflect and put things in perspective. I asked myself if what I was stressing about was in my control? Did it matter in the big picture? Will I care about it next week, month or year? While I realize that there are so many things that are outside of my control, the one consistent thing I can always control, is my attitude and response.  May you always find the calming water within you.

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Transitions are accompanied with change and change my dear audience is not very pleasant, change take us out of our comfort zone and into a land of unknown.

Let me tell you a story, story of a young girl about 9 or 10 growing up as youngest of six girls during Iran revolution of 1979.

It was an ordinary school day of although something didn’t feel right. There was smoke in the air and a lot of noise and commotion form the other side of school’s brick walls. All throughout the day, school officials were pacing back and forth from the administration building, gathering and whispering, shaking their heads and looking concerned.

At dismissal time, her oldest sister was waiting at the gate grabbing and holding her hand very tight telling her to walk fast because they needed to be home. That was very odd, she had always walked to and from school. What was so different on this day?

“what’s going on?” she asked and instead of an answer she felt her hand squeezed more firmly.

“But I always go to baba joon’s store after school” She whispered unhappily

“Not today, walk faster dear. We need to be home) Said the sister

From the corner of her eyes she could see smoke coming from the direction of her father’s bookstore and library and as they got closer, she could see people running with handful of books passing by them from every direction. By the point, the smoke was thick and it was difficult to breath.

Knowing in her heart something bad had happened, this time she squeezed her sister’s hand and held on to it as if her life depended on it. She kept saying quietly to herself “it’s all going to be ok, it’s going to be ok” all the way home.

Back at home, her family had gathered and her grandparents were sitting with her mom who was crying. The TV was on and the footage was of a people on the streets, holding signs and shouting.

She threw herself into her mother’s arms and began sobbing.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was my fist experience with transitions and change. From that day on my peaceful existence was interrupted with violent demonstrations, curfews, moves and new schools.

On that day my father’s bookstore and library was set on fire and destroyed to ashes. He was out of town covering a story as a journalist and reporter for our town’s news station.

Life during the revolution and War with Iraq meant constant change and uncertainty. Two topics I learned as a young age to make peace with.

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I hope you have all began the day on a lovely note.

Today’s topic is love and how it relates to Valentine’s Day.
When it comes to love and relationships, particularly when you are a mother, things get complicated.
Lets’ take a little journey down memory lane, while it may be a trip back in time for some of you moms, I’m certain it’s more recent for the new moms.

Remember being pregnant and the mixed emotions of excitement and fear and morning sickness in the earlier phases?
Then the strange cravings, back and leg pains and weight gain?
Then there was more weight gain and the bladder that shrunk making our toilets a sitting area?
And in the later phases of pregnancy, the discomfort of the added weight and sleepless nights?

At this point you are probably thinking, why are we talking about this? What does it have to do with V-Day and romance and magic in the relationship?
Be patient my dear ladies. It’s all connected. You see, in order to be loving to others, we must learn to love ourselves. This leads me to my 3 keys to bring magic back into your life:

Key #1: Get to know the person you are deep down and learn to love and accept her unconditionally. In my work with hundreds of women, I have seen a link between self-love and the ability to show and give love. I want you to reflect on the following questions:

• Do you love yourself? Do you love everything about yourself?
• Do you like the way you look?
• What do you not like about you?
• What is the one thing you would change about you if you could?

Key #2: Find happiness in the simple and ordinary activities of your life. From your daily walks, yoga or exercise routine to your cup of morning tea or coffee or afternoon drink, you should enjoy every moment of what you choose (Life choices will be a future talk topic) to do. Explore the following question:

• What physical activities do you enjoy doing?
• What’s your favorite movie, drink and book?

Key #3: Love your partner how they want to be loved. So often I see women go out of their way to plan such elaborate and fancy dates for their partners where all the partner wanted was a simple meal and intimate undivided attention. So, for this rule, get to know your partner’s likes and dislikes, favorite food and drink, favorite music, topics of interest, favorite movie and book. Study your partner and get to know them. Ask questions about childhood and growing up, mentors and dreams of what they wanted to become in the future.

One final reminder; please practice listening to understand and not to respond. We are so quick to formulate a response as we are listening that we forget to really listen. Listen to your own needs and desires, change what you can change and learn to love what you cannot change.

Well, my dear viewers, this concludes my V-Day talk. May you find and keep your inner GLOW and if you like a little reminder of how to do that, you can order my book GLOW: Be the Light of Your Journey!

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